So when i first found out that i had BPD i was freaked out because i had no idea what it was and had never heard of it. but once my doc explained it to me i was like o wow yea that is totally me! If you ask anyone who knows me they will probably tell im beyond nice and im always there to talk to and that i will do anything to help a friend. Sounds great right? thats the way friends should be? let me explain to you my thought process and why i might come across as an awesome person and you would never guess i had any problems.
So i have this fear of people not liking me. who doesnt right? no mine is an obsession. i get severe anxiety and have panic attacks over the littlest things because in my brain they are going to not like me or leave me. so say i text you and you dont answer for a while my head start going wild, are you mad at me, what did i do, what if they never talk to me again and so on.
So i also bend over backwards to make sure people like me which now i realize when people are taking advantage of me but usually after its happened and it too late. For example i had a friend that i lived with even though her car worked fine she seemed to never have the money to insure it or register it. so she would always borrow my car and even after we went our separate ways she would call and want to borrow my only car for a week. most normal peoples thoughts " bitch is tripping! ill give you a ride if you need it but thats it" My thoughts "crap if i dont let her use my car shes not going to have a need to be my friend and shes not going to like me and shes going to leave me as a friend" so i let her use my car and she breaks it a little. Most people would be pissed me no im like on no thats ok. ugh!!!!!! im pissed at my self just writing this stuff. i should no better but i let my anxiety get the best of me.
now unfortunately in this case i have come to realize that my thought about her not liking me if there's nothing i can do to help her is true. she is one of those people that she only calls when she has a favor. and now i always try to say no. but that doesnt always happen even though i know shes using me.
Ok! so thats one part of the BPD, next part i get obsesed with people. this is probably the most embarising part to cause its hard to admit that you do something like this. now most the people who are my friends will also tell you i dont get along with a lot of people especially other girls. but when i do find a person i like or some one new shows me some attention its kinda like love at first sight and i constantly want to be around them and the best way i can explain it its like stalker status minus taking creepy photos and standing out side there window. not that bad lol. but i will text them all the time or constantly check out their facebook. i constantly want to hang out and i will do anything to hang out with them as much as possible. which is something my husband and i used to fight about a lot because i would ditch him to hang out with other people all the time. i did some fucked up thing to my husband and ditched him for other people a lot. which now i know that its not because im a fucked up person, which is what i thought, i didnt know it was something i couldnt help. Luckily he stayed by my side.. anyways when i like some one i will do anything i can to be there friend, which goes back to the whole bending over backwards. this part also effects my anxiety because i cant hang out with them i have an anxiety attack and i hella start tripping. or when im waiting to go hang out with them i feel like a kid getting ready to go to Disney land.
This whole BPD is crazy, my Bipolar is pretty well in check but i dont know if there is anything that can help for BPD. We shall see...
till next time
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